Quit Taking it Personally- QTIP
I was working with a group of 7th grade boys the other day and, let me tell you, keeping a bunch of 13 year old boys engaged and interacting with one another is no easy task. There is blurting out, there is talking over me, and there is testing of my boundaries. It can be tough. I definitely felt difficult emotions arise but I reminded myself to QTIP. You might be thinking, "What do Q-TIPs have to do with anything?" It means...
Quit Taking it Personally.
In the past, I’ve looked at behaviors like that as disrespectful, wrong, defiant, and RUDE!!!! I took it personally with thoughts like, “How dare these boys speak to me like this?! They don’t respect me or my authority!” However, when I take ‘me’, my ego, out of the equation, I see those same boys as inquisitive, energetic, curious, and interested.
They’re inquisitive which is why they are blurting out questions.
They are curious to see where my boundaries start and stop.
They're very interested and energetic which lead to side conversations.
When I realize that it’s not about ME, I can see what their actions truly mean. Their real intentions.
When we take things personally we are putting our spin on someone else’s action that may or may not be there. Quite honestly, that’s giving the other person A LOT of power and credit over your own feelings. This can create defensiveness, and guess what can’t occur when you are being defensive? Listening and Curiosity. With that 7th grade group, sure there were some undesirable behaviors, but they weren’t targeted towards me. When you free yourself of taking it personally, you can see how people are talking about themselves, their wants, and their needs. So, how do we not take things personally? That seems really hard...
How do I NOT take things personally?
It’s not about me: This other person… this child… even this pet… they are just trying to manage their life and their stressors. Whatever their actions are says more about them than their words will ever say about you. Once we get past our ego thinking it’s about ‘me, me, me’, it’s VERY freeing to realize people are worrying about themselves, they’re not worrying about you.
Shift from ME to WE: This is moving from the thought process of ‘Why are they doing this TO me?’ and thinking instead ‘Why are they doing this?’ With that subtle shift you’re now working from a space of understanding instead of irritation. When we focus on the other person’s good intention, we’re less likely to take it personally.
Maybe it is me: If you can’t shake whatever interaction just happened, take a look within. It could be something that you do believe a little bit about yourself. If someone’s actions strike a hard nerve with you, it could be some unresolved issues within yourself. This is a wonderful thing to journal or talk about with your therapist. Reactions and responses can be unlearned when aware and acknowledged.
Wear a reminder: Give meaning to the things you already wear everyday. A watch, a piece of jewelry, the hair tie on your wrist: when something occurs and you feel that ego getting bruised, remember to QTIP.
QTIP allows you to see past a behavior or action and really see what that person has to to share with you.
Homework:
Find something you wear everyday or create a signal with yourself or even grab a Q-TIP and keep it on your person; whatever you decide, have a reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. If you find yourself feeling difficult emotions after an interaction with someone, calmly tell yourself... "It's not about me."
